Steve Eighinger

Odds not always good concerning those resolutions

By Herald-Whig
Posted: Jan. 2, 2017 8:35 am

This is the time of year when everyone is making all sorts of resolutions. And let's be honest, most of them are unrealistic.

That's why when I put together my own list of resolutions, I always include a 1-to-10 chance of those hoped-for results becoming a reality.

Here are my resolutions for 2017:

º Lose weight: Should I drop a few pounds? Sure. The odds of that happening? Well, a few years ago I joined the YMCA and ran into a problem. I worked out -- not necessarily feverishly, but worked out nonetheless. But after about two weeks I noticed a problem developing.

I was actually gaining weight during this workout regimen because of all the activity I was putting my body through. My appetite was heightened and I ate more food, and instead of the numbers going down on the scale they were increasing.

So for my own good, I gave up the workout regimen and returned to the recliner.

I'm hoping to maybe add a daily walk or something similar this year and cut back a little on the chips and pastries. Odds of losing a few pounds: I'll give myself a "5." I'm optimistic.

º Driving a stick: I have never learned how to drive a standard transmission vehicle. The last time I tried was in the late 1970s. There was screeching and a lot of smoke coming from underneath the hood. Odds of me learning in 2017: 0. Absolutely 0.

º Learning how to bake a pie: Another worthy goal, but seriously ... why not just go to Sprout's, Underbrink's or Village Inn? Odds of me baking a pie: 1. My contribution would be taking it out of the oven.

º Learning how to program a remote: You would think this would be a simple task, right? And it used to be, at least for me. But in recent years I have found it impossible and rely on my son-in-law, Elvis.

Elvis is a wonderful human being who understands things like the inner workings of an internal combustion engine -- and programming remotes.

When Elvis sees my number pop up on his phone, there is no "hello" or any response like that, it's simply, "I'll be right there." How amazing is Elvis? He can also drive a stick. Odds of me learning to program a remote: 2. There's always the chance I could get lucky. Odds of me calling Elvis: 10. A solid, solid 10.

º Learning to attach a document to an email: I have actually come a long way this regard. I can usually make it happen about one-third of the time, but on those occasions it's mostly luck, I think. Odds of me being able to do this flawlessly a year from now: 6. I'm being optimistic here, but if worse comes to worst I can always call Elvis.

º Learning how to post a picture on Facebook: Last week I managed to successfully post a picture, and one of my daughters immediately sent me a congratulatory message. That made me feel good, but I really had no idea how I had done it. Odds of me successfully doing this on a regular basis: 7. I feel I am making legitimate progress with social media.

But I continue to lose ground in trying to program a remote, and driving a stick will always be a pipe dream -- resolution or not.