EIGHINGER: Envelopes, please ... June's morons have that sinking feeling

Posted: Jun. 25, 2011 5:25 pm Updated: Nov. 28, 2014 10:42 am


Maybe it's been the excessive heat. You know, frying a few more brain cells than normal.

Whatever the reason, there was no shortage of candidates for "Moron of the Month" for June. The envelopes, please:


Bronze Medal

Daniel Vagnini, Connecticut

Connecticut police report a man punched himself in the face, tore his shirt and threw his wallet and keys in a river to convince police he had been assaulted.

Law enforcement officials confirm that Daniel Vagnini was arrested after reporting that he has been assaulted, then admitting he made up the story.

According to police, the 22-year-old Vagnini sped through a stop sign and nearly crashed into a car. Police say they later found his car and heard Vagnini in the woods. He told police he had been drinking and was assaulted and blacked out.

Vagnini was charged with reckless driving, evading responsibility and driving under the influence.

I think the report left out the part about being stupid.


Silver Medal

Mark Wilkinson, England

This is almost too good to be true. I basically flipped a coin on whether this or the following story should receive this month's gold medal.

The account of Mark Wilkinson's sailing venture included the following:

"If you name your boat Titanic II, you're asking for it."

Well, yeah.

Nevertheless, when Wilkinson, a resident of Birmingham, England, headed into a Dorset harbor on his 16-foot cabin cruiser, that was the name plastered on its side.

And in a cruel twist of karma or fate, the boat sank. Who could have imagined?

"It's all a bit embarrassing and I got pretty fed up with people asking me if I had hit an iceberg," Wilkinson said in a story about his plight.

Wilkinson said he was headed back from a fishing trip when the newly purchased boat went down, according to a story on Yahoo News. He clung to nearby pilings until rescued.

The harbormaster who rescued Wilkinson said the breach in the Titanic II's fiberglass hull might have happened because a repair job deteriorated, according to the Christian Science Monitor.

Another writer offered, "This might be why airlines retire the flight numbers associated with crashed planes -- or why there aren't too many airships called Hindenburg these days."


Gold Medal

James Russell, Washington

This is right out of a Bill Murray or Chevy Chase comedy.

An escaped convict was caught following a day on the loose after he knocked on a cabin door -- only to find out the man renting the lodge was an off-duty guard at the prison he just fled.

Authorities said 39-year-old James Russell took off from the Washington State Penitentiary on a Tuesday morning. Early on Wednesday, Russell -- who was still wearing his prison uniform -- went to the cabin asking to use the phone, according to a Department of Corrections spokesman.

After a scuffle with the off-duty guard, Russell ran off again, but was caught a few hours later.

He had been serving time for forgery and theft. And now they can add "being a moron" to the list of offenses.




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