Eighinger: Time to throw my hat into the presidential ring yet again

Posted: Nov. 19, 2011 4:44 pm Updated: Nov. 29, 2014 3:15 am


Almost daily I read about Herman Cain's problems, Barack Obama's struggles and wonder if that's Mitt Romney's real hair.

The 2012 presidential campaign is almost upon us, which means I have another difficult decision to make.

To run, or not to run?

In this space back in 2008, I declared myself a candidate for the presidency, and 11 people emailed and called, saying I had their full support for the White House. Another 75 million or so "votes," and I would have spent that last few years in the Oval Office.

After much deliberation, I have again decided to run for president.

My platform would be built on two specific items -- more national holidays and eliminating government waste.

Here's my thought for adding three additional national holidays that would give all Americans paid days off work:

º Opening Day of baseball season: Cardinal fans, are you with me?

º The Monday after the Daytona 500: A three-day weekend to celebrate the start of NASCAR season.

º The Friday before the Ohio State-Michigan football game: Another three-day weekend to enjoy what is truly the greatest sports rivalry. (Sorry, Missouri-Kansas fans, but every other rivalry game battles for second place behind the annual Ohio State-Michigan bloodletting.)

As far as governmental waste, I am confident I can save the country gazillions of dollars and probably get the red, white and blue out of debt in just a few years. Here are some of my proposals:

º I hate to travel. I mean, I really hate to travel. About as far as I like to go is out to Walmart on the east end of Quincy, or Kutter's restaurant on the west side. I also don't like to fly or travel across water. Bridges are just brutal for me.

That means all international meetings would be held in the United States, and if foreign countries squawked about always having to come to America, I'd simply cut off their foreign aid. No ifs, ands or buts. Take it or leave it.

And since I don't like to travel -- why have a "home" if you always want to leave it? -- all major political business would be moved from Washington, D.C., to Quincy. The mancave would become the new Oval Office. (Technically, it would have to be the Squared Sanctuary. The only things round in the mancave are me and my doughnuts.)

This idea is not really so far-fetched. People in our newsroom told me that Gov. John Wood once ran the state from Quincy and disgraced Gov. Rod Blagojevich ran things from Chicago.

Think of all the money that would be saved from traveling to all of those high-falutin' conferences in Geneva, Paris, Munich, London and Moscow.

º If some of the international bigwigs were unable to make a meeting at my house, I'd simply have my neighbor, 12-year-old Jamie Adam, come over and hook up that "Skype" thing on my laptop, allowing us to talk without being in the same room, or the same country, or even the same hemisphere. (Jamie would be my Secretary of State, my Condoleeza Rice.)

I can see it now ... the prime minister of England, the president of Russia and a sheikh or two from the Middle East all sitting on folding chairs in the mancave, watching SportsCenter and eating snacks prepared by The Little Woman -- or should I say The Little First Lady?

º Another idea to cut costs would be getting rid of Air Force One and all of those big, black SUVs that haul important government people around.

In my case, the president (me) would keep his family car, although I would take it down to Griffin Performance at Ninth and Maine and have the folks there jazz up my 2007 Kia Sorento. I'm envisioning having "Kia One" emblazoned on the sides. (But only at my expense, not the taxpayers.)

Yeah, I think this will work.

Vote early. Vote often. Vote Steve.




Things to Do

Sign up for Email Alerts