I've been having trouble figuring out what to get my significant other for Christmas. The Little Woman says she doesn't want or need anything, but all husbands know the true interpretation for those kind of comments.
Women may say they don't want or need anything, but if you actually took them for their word and there were no gift under the tree, there's a good chance they won't be talking to you until about Valentine's Day. I know some of you may feel quiet contemplation might be a good idea on the surface, but take it from an expert, leave the "Sounds of Silence" to Simon and Garfunkel.
So that's why we, as husbands, spend countless hours walking through the mall and just about every store in town that has something to offer women. Our search for the perfect gift can make Indiana Jones' expeditions pale in comparison.
But there could be hope for all of us husbands -- if I can believe what I read. What's the one common denominator when it comes to presents and women? If you thought or said "perfume," you're absolutely correct. There's no chance of getting the wrong size or wrong color. (And, seriously, don't they all smell the same? Just the names are different.)
But instead of buying the love of your life a gallon of Euphoria by Calvin Klein, Romance by Ralph Lauren or Pink Friday by Nicki Minaj, go for a different kind of fragrance -- one that will make her remember you all the days of your lives. (Seriously, I could write greeting cards, eh?)
I received a report last week there is now -- and I'm not kidding here -- a limited-edition "Eau de Pizza Hut" perfume.
The scent is supposedly reminiscent of freshly baked pizza dough and various seasonings, according to the report. As your lady rests her head on your shoulder, the aroma of a Pizza Hut supreme wafts through the air. Talk about Heaven right here on Earth.
The more I looked into this, the more surprised I became. In 2008, Burger King launched "The Flame by BK," a men's body spray described as "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat." And a Chicago company called Farginay created a bacon-scented cologne in 2011, made of 11 "essential oils and an ever-so-slight hint of bacon"
Need more possibilities? Consider the following information, supplied by Brandy Burgess, a writer for Yahoo! Voices:
"Demeter Fragrance has a wide range of odd and interesting perfumes," she writes. "Among these is Earthworm. The fragrance of the perfume is not of the earthworm itself, but of its environment. Now you can enjoy smelling like ‘moist soil, on the floor of a forest covered with decomposing leaves.'?"
The company also makes sprays that smell like Junior Mints, Play-Doh and mildew.
One of my Herald-Whig sidekicks, Maggie Menderski, says there is a method to all of this perfume/cologne madness. She said there have been scientific studies done to show the scents are designed to arouse the senses of the opposite sex.
"I knew girls in high school who would spray men's cologne on their purses so they could smell it all day," she said.
Well, if I can find a bottle of that Eau de Pizza Hut, I might do the same thing. I could spray it on my desk at work, so all day I could think about my wonderful wife -- and a large supreme pizza.