EIGHINGER: Beetlejuice fanatic, overzealous hunter, misguided prankster -- all morons

Posted: Mar. 30, 2013 8:14 pm Updated: Apr. 27, 2013 9:15 pm


If you take nothing else away from the March edition of "Morons of the Month," I would suggest:

º If you have never seen the film "Beetlejuice," watch it and then ask yourself why would anyone want to build a shrine to it.

º The next time you go to Wal-Mart, make sure you wear protective gear.

º Be suspicious -- very suspicious -- of that next pack of breath mints you buy.

This month's top morons are:


Bronze medal

First of all, by definition it's probably not fair to categorize a fellow named Bruce Christensen of New York City as a moron in the truest sense. "Obsessed" might be more accurate, but depending on your movie tastes, "moron" might actually be more fitting in the long run.

The 48-year-old Christensen has turned his apartment into a "Beetlejuice" museum in tribute to the 1988 film starring Michael Keaton. Included in the relatively small inner-city site are such items as plastic toys, trading cards, bobblehead dolls, beach towels, a full copy of the movie script, and a six-pack of wine coolers called "Dr. Thirsty's Beetlejuice Alcoholic Fruit Crush."

Christensen opened the "museum" just before Halloween, and in the five months since, he has had 200 people "tour" his apartment.

On second thought, it's not Christensen who should be categorized as a moron, it's the 200 people who have actually gone through the "museum." There was no indication whether Christensen was actually charging a fee, or whether the "tour" was free.


Silver medal

For years, it's been said you can get just about anything at a Wal-Mart, but a Pennsylvania man might have taken that sentiment a bit too far. The Pennsylvania Game Commission certainly thinks so.

Arcangelo Bianco Jr. is charged with reckless endangerment and hunting law violations for allegedly shooting across a highway to kill a 10-point buck he spotted in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

A Wildlife Conservation officer said the 40-year-old Bianco fired several shots in the parking lot, then retrieved the deer near a Wal-Mart about 30 miles east of Pittsburgh. Bianco's attorney is not talking, according to several published reports

Bianco faces a preliminary hearing in May.

Two words pretty well sum up the mess Bianco finds himself in: Oh, deer.


Gold medal

It would be safe to say 18-year-old Jordan T. Drake probably wishes he had weighed the risks and rewards of a prank he recently pulled.

Drake lost a scholarship to Michigan State University and an internship with Dow Chemical after he put semen in a pack of breath mints and passed them out as part of a senior prank at Saginaw (Mich.) Arts and Sciences Academy. The school ultimately suspended him and forbade him from attending commencement, but he will be allowed to graduate. The website reported that someone who ate one of the contaminated Ice Drop breath mints complained about it to police.

Drake's record will be sealed permanently if he completes the terms of his probation.

For the rest of my life, I will now wonder about every pack of breath mints I buy. Thanks, Jordan.




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