The calendar says Halloween is officially a week from Thursday.
Unofficially, Halloween is on Saturday -- at least for the adults who like to celebrate the holiday. The Saturday before Halloween has become the day for adult Halloween parties.
I sure don't remember this "holiday" growing up, since my parents were big party people. It seems like this is a relatively new thing. According to the National Retail Federation, more money will be spent on adult costumes in America, an estimated $1.3 billion, than on children's wear, which is estimated to be $1 billion. Americans are expected to spend $330 million on pet costumes.
The kiddies -- and Fido -- still have more than a week left to buy their costumes or make something for the big night, but time is running out for adults to be ready for Saturday's festivities.
If you need a little help figuring out what to wear, I'm here for you.
If you and your hubby or significant other want to be the most hated people at the party, just dress up like Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus and replicate their dirty dance from the MTV Video Music Awards broadcast.
You can go online and buy something called the "Twerkin Teddy" costume. For only $39.99, you can look like Miley. Find yourself a foam finger, and you've got the look down. Not to be outdone, the guys can buy their own "Twerk Suit," a black-and-white vertical striped suit that also goes for $39.99. Toss on some dopey sunglasses, and you're ready to twerk it out.
For some reason, many of the women's costumes don't feature much material. Evidently, to look good on Halloween, women must have some sort of "sexy" outfit. If Halloween was in August, I could see that some people might want to wear these skimpy outfits. But wearing them in the late October chill doesn't make much sense.
During research for this column, I stumbled upon a website called yandy.com. (You know it must be a pretty risque website since our IT department blocked it.) Yandy had hundreds of costumes, and very few of them are cheap. Looking through the list, it's difficult not to think that you're looking at a wardrobe catalogue for one of those after-dark movies that Cinemax is famous for playing.
Ever fancied yourself as being a B-movie star? Here's your chance to live a dream.
Among Yandy's offerings for the ladies: The "Mobster Mama" for $58.95, the "Harbor Hottie" for $53.96, the "Military Babe" for $58.95, the "Sexy Pizza" for $69.95 and the "Sexy Watermelon" for $61.95.
The "Sexy Pizza" costume features a short shirt with a bib in the form of a slice of pizza with a few pepperonis and green peppers on it. The "Sexy Watermelon" is a one piece outfit that stop way above the knee. It looks like a slice of watermelon with a bite taken out of the right side to show even more skin.
Men's costumes aren't nearly as risque as what on sale for the women, unless you want to show off your pecs and abs as the "Warrior" for a mere $69.95.
All of the preceding were real costumes. None of them were fake.
The adults in my house are passing on the Halloween fun.
If we only knew how to properly twerk, then we would be all over it.