EIGHINGER: International flavor adds spice to 67th edition of ' - Quincy Herald-Whig | Illinois & Missouri News, Sports

EIGHINGER: International flavor adds spice to 67th edition of 'Morons of the Month'

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It's official. Our "Morons of the Month" feature is going global.

For the first time in its 61/2-year history, we are presenting an international edition of the monthly tribute to woeful decision-making.

If nothing else, it proves Americans are not the only people in the world who do stupid things.

Here's our first all-international cast of inept characters in the 67th edition of "Morons of the Month":

Bronze medal

Give this one to the legal system of France, which has permitted dogs to be "witnesses" in court.

I'm not kidding.

The Paris edition of the European news site "The Local" reported in April that a 9-year-old Labrador retriever named Tango took the witness stand in the city of Tours so the judge could observe how he reacted to the defendant, on trial for killing the dog's owner.

For due process of law, a second dog, Norman, took the stand later as a "control group."

Once again, I am not kidding.

Eventually, the judge said he learned nothing from the dogs and dismissed them.

I love my dog, Ashes, but I would never want to put my life in her hands ... err, paws.

Silver medal

Ahmad al-Gamal, a columnist for the Egyptian newspaper Al-Yawm Al-Sabi, proposed that Egypt sue Israel in international court for reparations for the 10 Biblical plagues cast from Hebrew curses, including boils, lice, locusts and turning the Nile River into blood.

About right now, you are asking yourself, "Seriously?"

Yes.

Jerusalem Online reported the writer said that "the Israelites swiped gold, silver and other precious items as they began their legendary desert wandering."

Al-Gamal also wants reparations from Turkey (for the 16th-century Ottoman invasion), France (for Napoleon's invasion in 1798) and Britain (for 72 years of occupation).

Maybe I could sue my favorite baseball team, the Cleveland Indians, for 65 years of cruel and inhumane treatment because they have not won a World Series in my lifetime.

Gold medal

As goofy as the bronze- and silver-medal-winning efforts were, there is no question who gets the gold.

The London Daily Mail reported that Wendy Simpson tried her best to explain why she should not be charged with DUI following an incident in Huddlesfield, England.

Simpson, 25, pointed out that shortly before her arrest, she had walked to a McDonald's for a late-night meal because she knew she was too drunk to drive. Since the dining room was closed, and she was refused service at the drive-thru window because she was on foot, Simpson said the only option left for her was to go home, get her car and return to the drive-thru.

On the way back, she was arrested.

The report did not indicate whether she placed her order before going to jail.

-- seighinger@whig.com/221-3377

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