Posted: Jun. 4, 2014 5:59 pm Updated: Aug. 27, 2014 6:15 pm
Cats are in charge of our households. I first documented my theory on a scrap of napkin two weeks ago. I also created a few lists to illustrate it. If you sympathize with at least one of these, your cat is controlling your home. Seek professional help.
My family and I just moved into a new home, which apparently led my cat, Calvin, to develop an extreme loyalty to his species. Each morning, he graces us with a concert highlighting difficulties of a cat's life. Some of the tribulations he sings about include:
• the opression of the cat people through doors being closed;
• discrimination that led to humans stealing cat beds;
• segregation that resulted in feathery food being on the wrong side of the window.
Like clockwork, Calvin positions himself in the center of the hallway and begins wailing a heart-wrenching rendition of "the song of the cat people." This starts at 4 a.m. The first round of this ritual lasts almost the entire hour. However, he never forgots to add the instrumentals of door-scratching in between the verses. His songs continue until 7, when everyone finally gets out of bed despite being awake for hours.
"Maybe he'll stop early so I can sleep again," I'm always hoping.
To put this into perspective, Calvin has always been extremely vocal, but after moving I had to buy ear plugs for the first time in my life. Note: This purchase made to block out the furry alarm clock was slightly successful.
Now, back to my theory. I noticed after a brief observation of my household that we seem to put our cat's comfort before our own. However, no matter how much we spoil him, the outcome is the same:
• "You left me alone for a whole hour and I almost starved. I'm ignoring you. Bye."
• "Who are you? You're back from a hard day at work? Bye."
• "You want to access my beatiful field of fur? Nevermind, I don't like you. Bye!"
• "I'm not loving you anymore than I already don't. Bye."
I adore my cat just as much as the next person, but something is wrong when:
• People voluntarily contort themselves into a speck in order to unfairly share their bed with a cat.
• No one ever has the heart to disturb a slumbering furry feline. Ever.
• The house's comfiest armchair, that usually contains a sleeping cat, is eternally off-limits.
• Many pieces of household furniture contain copious amounts of leftover fluff and hair.
• At least two pieces of furniture are designated for cat-only use.
I also observed that many expensive purchases were being made in attempt to please our cat. A fancy new cat water fountain and expensive "kitty mints" were bought after Calvin decided the cheaper alternatives were not good enough for him. My family routinely buys these tiny tins of liver-flavored kitty mints that are $8 for a three-week supply.
I will not let Calvin be in charge anymore. I am going to extreme measures to reclaim power.
• Calvin is going to sleep in his $40 cat bed (that he has only used three times),
• I will gain control of my sleeping area and furniture.
• I will buy cat treats from the dollar store.
• I am going to sit in that armchair!
• And, most importantly, I am going to close the hallway door so I will not get woken up.
OK, we all know nothing is going to change. When you return home this evening, your cat will be curled up in his usual spot. He'll be sleeping in that comfy armchair that you'll never get to use. No one will ever have the nerve to move a sleeping cat. You will continue to hear the shrieks of "the cat people" each morning.
We could possibly stop buying $8 cat treats. Maybe your cat won't notice. It's not like he can specifically ask for them.
If you do that ... just prepare for the concert to start early. A new verse has to be added.