By KELLY WILSON
Herald-Whig Staff Writer

Depression has been a fact of life for Maggie Dowling most of her life, an agonizing struggle that has alienated her from most of her family and driven her into "a big deep, black hole."

In more recent years, the depression has been coupled with panic attacks.

"They're the worst thing in the world," the 57-year-old Mendon woman said. "It's a feeling of impending doom. It's a scary feeling. You can hear and feel your heart beating. Your blood pressure goes up. You break out in a cold, cold sweat. You feel like, 'I'm dying.' "

The depression interfered with her daily life as she felt hopeless, forlorn and lonely much of the time.

Other health problems, including severe osteoarthritis in both knees, only exacerbated her pain.

The fact that many of the people in her life haven't understood her condition, look at her like she's "crazy" and think she should just be able to pull herself together and get over it -- well, that hasn't helped, either.

"They don't understand, and I know that adds on to my depression," Dowling said.

In the second in a series on mental illnesses, Dowling says her life is looking up, as she sought out treatment about a year and a half ago after moving to this area.

"I knew I needed help," she said. "I knew that if I didn't take care of myself, no one else was going to."

Dowling found a good psychiatrist in Quincy, who also referred her to Transitions of Western Illinois. She's been seeing a therapist there on a regular basis.

"These people here are fantastic," she said. "I have gotten to be more in touch with myself and my own feelings. I'm learning how to deal with things."

She hasn't had a full-blown panic attack in about a year and she's been able to get off some of her medications.

"I am doing so much better because of the professional help," Dowling said. "You have to be able to say, 'I want help. I need help.' It will not get better on its own."

'I DON'T CHOOSE TO HAVE THESE FEELINGS'

Depression is a common, but serious and disabling illness, affecting an estimated 20 million Americans of every age.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, depression is not something that a person has made up in his or her head and is more than just feeling "down in the dumps" or "blue" for a few days.

It's feeling "down" and "low" and "hopeless" for weeks at a time, and most who experience it need treatment to get better.

"People don't understand if they haven't been through depression themselves," Dowling said. "Your own family members seem to brush it off. ... I don't choose to have these feelings, to be depressed."

NIMH says that depressive illnesses are disorders of the brain and likely result from a combination of genetic, biochemical, environmental and psychological factors.

The effects of depression can spread throughout the body, often resulting in problems with sleep, appetite, energy level, motivation, memory and concentration.

This medical condition interferes with a person's daily life, relationships, and ability to function normally.

But depression, even in the most severe cases, is a highly treatable disorder, NIMH says. The most common treatments are medication and psychotherapy.

"I'm doing better, but I'm fighting. I'm fighting every day of my life," Dowling said. "Therapy is hard work. It's not easy to climb out of that black hole. It's a day-to-day thing. But I'm having more good days lately."

'I FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE FUTURE'

Because symptoms of depression have plagued Dowling for most of her life, recovery won't be an easy, quick process.

"I had a bad childhood. I didn't have the typical parenting that a lot of kids get," she said. "I married the first guy that came along after high school. Five kids and 10 years later, he left."

The children were all age 10 and under, and two were in diapers, when her husband abandoned the family. She endured traumatic events when the children were young, like two house fires and one child diagnosed with cancer.

She held it together during that time for the children.

"Once they grew up, I started falling apart," she said.

She was a certified medical assistant, but had to stop working because of her health issues, including the depression, and then the panic attacks began. Her relationships with her children began to deteriorate.

Three of her five children, all grown, are no longer a part of her life.

"That's been very hard for me," she said. "You want your family so bad to be there for you. I was always there for them. That hurts, that they're not there for me.

"I always thought, 'There must have been something I did wrong.' I'm working through that," she said. "I now realize that I'm not a bad person. I know I'm not a bad person. I have to let go of the guilt. I need to be my own person."

Fortunately, one son and his family live near her and she has three grandsons that she gets to spend time with.

"I adore them," she said.

"I try to look at things a little bit different," Dowling added. "I've gotten out and made some friends. My friends and neighbors, they're always there for me."

When she has a "bad" day, she tries to spend time outdoors, especially in her flower garden.

"I feel good about the future," Dowling said. "I think there's light at the end of my tunnel."

-- kwilson@whig.com/221-3391