Herald-Whig

Summer Rants

Posted: Aug. 1, 2018 12:01 am Updated: Aug. 8, 2018 12:16 am

If you're not washing at least a load of towels every day, is it even summer?

Confession: Sometimes I smell the towel and look it over, questioning if this particular towel can make it through one more use. Especially if it's going to be used in fort building and a ketchup shield.

As far as laundry goes, I'm sorting some of the socks I said I was going to burn in February, but I have a new distraction/frustration. Where have all the goggles gone?

I had around 20, and I'm down to four and not the ‘right' ones. Dear Speedo, please take pity on me and my irresponsible children and send me 20 replacements stat! (Worth a try)

I'm already tired of sunscreening the kids. I mean, they can do it themselves. I've lathered them enough times they get the concept. The burden of worrying if they've applied it thoroughly enough or if they need a second coat is waning.

Surely we have a good enough base now and apparently it all causes cancer now so maybe going a little lighter isn't that bad.

How many snacks does the average child need? 3? 5? 50? Maybe the better question is how many times can I hear them ask for one before I lose it. I have a basket full of approved snacks in the kitchen and have just taken to pointing. You poor starving children. You only get three meals a day and fifty million snacks. Have you been training for a marathon? No, for the last hour you've been on devices.

I'm so tired of saying no to gaming and more specifically Fortnite. What have you done to earn this time? I'm afraid you literally are killing your brain cells. #forreals. You are probably going to go into this school year ten times stupider than when you left. Maybe you should do flashcards in between sessions. Something is going to happen soon because I really can't tolerate much more. I remember having a tape of "Whoomp! There it is!" One day after I had played it for the thousandth time in a row my dad hit the eject button and threw it out the window. Looking back, I don't blame him at all. That's where I'm at dear children. Whoomp! Here's some chores!

As the summer waxes on, I can't decide if it's getting harder for you to hear me or if my patience is just getting thin, but I thought we had something. Let the records state that we were organized. We had a plan. No electronics before chores. No more than a certain amount of time gaming. No sleeping with devices. Everyone had a bed time. The details are all hazy now. Nothing like a well thought out plan. Oh, and we were going to play outside!

I get that the heat and the bugs have sucked the fun out of that a bit. I have also been opting for staying in versus laying out because of the uncomfortable factor.

When will the ticks and mosquitoes die? We're over it. I know it's just part of summer. It's always been part of summer. It will always be part of summer. I'd just rather not have to gas my kids with Off and hear, "My eyes! My eyes! Oh god, my eyes!" Sorry kids, probably just another way I'm giving you cancer. Damn everything in a spay can! As long as we stay away from diet soda we should be okay.

You'd think the extreme heat would have killed everything by now. But no, it's just killed my will to live, drive to do anything and paired with the humidity, makes one feel as though they were moving in slow motion. Although I know the concept of cold blooded versus hot blooded is more complicated, I wish the heat gave me energy instead of zapping me. I'm wondering if it just seems so hot now because June was so intensely hot. Like I said, I think we're all just over it.

Well, those are my summer rants for now. I better go throw in another load of towels.