We've been sharing this "Morons of the Month" thing for more than a decade, and I can safely say there has never, never, never been anything to rival two of this week's three medal winners.
You'll know which two subjects I am talking about as you work down the page.
Three strikes, and you're out?
Matthew Brown, 34, of Atlanta, Ga., was accused of robbing a Walmart store three times in one night. He stole more than $6,000 worth of merchandise.
Clumsycrooks.com reports at 1:30 a.m., Brown entered Walmart and stole some electronic items. Dragging the items to his car, he loaded them and drove away.
About 20 minutes later, Brown helped himself to more electronic items and loaded them in a shopping cart and left without paying. Once again, he loaded the items into his car and drove away.
He returned to the store a third time and lifted more merchandise without paying for it, law enforcement officials said.
Only this time he was caught.
Some of the items he took included three large televisions, a drone, a cellphone, a computer building kit, a flashlight, a bicycle, more computer equipment and other assorted items.
He was charged with first-degree retail fraud, and if convicted, faces up to five years in prison.
Police nabbed a thief in the Liberty, Mo., area when the man, who was hiding from Clay County Sheriff's Department deputies, passed gas so loudly the officers in pursuit were able to find him.
"We've gotta give props to (the officers involved) for using their senses to sniff him out," a statement read.
According to Kansas City television station Fox 4, the unnamed individual was wanted for possession of a controlled substance.
A Florida woman was arrested after police say she spit in ice cream, picked her nose and touched (the ice cream) and urinated in a bucket used to churn ice cream, forcing the shop to close for days.
St. Petersburg resident Jung Soon Wypcha, 66, was charged with criminal mischief and tampering with consumer products after sullying about $2,000 worth of ice cream at Lu Lu's Ice Cream shop in Indian Shores, Fla., according to an arrest affidavit given to USA TODAY by the Pinellas County Sheriff's Department.
Wypcha was caught on video after authorities reviewed the store's surveillance tapes, which showed her tainting the store's merchandise on several different occasions.
I'm not sure if "tainted" is strong enough of a description.