Steve Eighinger

Looking back at some near-miss morons of the past

By Herald-Whig
Posted: Aug. 15, 2019 12:01 am

One of my guilty pleasures for the past 11-plus years has been putting together the "Morons of the Month" columns.

Come October, we'll be celebrating the 12th anniversary of this monthly tribute to ineptitude, and during the process of looking back over all of the past editions I also came across dozens of nominees who never quite made the final cut. The second time around, however, I find some of them medal worthy and would like to share three blasts from the past that never made it to print.

Call them the "best of the rest" or whatever you like, but I submit the following for your consideration (and appreciation) of those who obviously find the rigors of everyday life to be quite challenging:

Bronze medal

Things seemed to be looking up for south Florida resident Frank Singleton when he was released from jail on a misdemeanor charge back in 2008.

However, when Singleton realized that he didn't have a ride home, he walked straight into the Palm Beach (Fla.) County Jail parking lot and attempted to carjack a woman.

Singleton was foiled when he realized that he couldn't drive a car with a stick shift. After he was re-arrested -- this time, for felony carjacking -- Singleton's explanation was rather simple.

"I didn't feel like walking," he said.

Silver medal

Deputies in Washington County, Ohio, arrested Chad Spohn in 2015 on disorderly conduct charges that started after he discovered Millie, his beloved pet pig, had eaten his stash of marijuana.

Spohn had called 911 several times and said he was having suicidal thoughts. During one call, he said he was holding a butcher's knife to his own throat, according to the police report.

Spohn's wife, Heather, told officers that her husband was already depressed because of their pending divorce before discovering the pig got into his cannabis. She said Spohn then consumed an entire bottle of Everclear, a strong alcohol. She said Spohn gets upset when he doesn't have marijuana, according to published reports.

In order to arrest him, officers subdued Spohn with a Taser. He was charged with disorderly conduct by intoxication and resisting arrest.

Gold medal

Honesty can sometimes be the worst policy, at least if you are of the criminal persuasion.

A West Palm Beach (Fla.) man listed his occupation on a 2015 arrest report as "drug dealer."

Deputies in West Palm Beach, Fla., say Robert Phillips was arrested after he cut in front of an unmarked Palm Beach County Sheriff's car and nearly caused a crash. A records check found that Phillips was driving a stolen car.

The Palm Beach Post reported the detective followed Phillips and watched as he engaged in a drug transaction. Deputies in marked cars caught up to Phillips, who fled at a high rate of speed.

Deputies eventually arrested Phillips, who was in possession of 22 grams of heroin and $2,316 in cash. A search of his car also yielded 5.3 grams of crack cocaine.

I'm pretty sure the authorities could have figured out his "occupation" without Phillips actually providing the information he did for that arrest report.