Steve Eighinger

A 'Wonderful Christmas Time'? Bah, humbug!

By Herald-Whig
Posted: Nov. 29, 2019 12:01 am

Now that Thanksgiving is in the rear-view mirror, it's time to officially welcome the Christmas season.

Well, most of it anyway.

There are some aspects about this time of the year that I more or less dread. For example:

Bad TV Christmas specials: I don't mind one or two holiday-themed events, but there are only so many times I can take hearing "Jingle Bells" and "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer." And did you ever wonder what "celebrities" like Miley Cyrus or Jamie Lee Curtis did to merit hosting a Christmas special?

Elf on a Shelf: I've never understood the charm of this, and probably never will. The concept is that elves visit children from Thanksgiving to Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. I realize some families look at it as a month-long bonding process, while others, like magazine columnist Kate Tuttle, refer to it as "a marketing juggernaut dressed up as a tradition." The answer, I suppose, is somewhere in between.

Ugly sweaters: I know, I know, they are bought and worn in fun, simply to liven up parties or family gatherings. They are designed to serve as nothing more than expensive conversation pieces. Personally, I'd rather spend those same funds on something that would be worn more than once before being tossed out with the other holiday garbage.

Fake Christmas trees that are not green: I have absolutely nothing against artificial Christmas trees. They're just as attractive and cheerful as the real thing, and will not leave mounds of pine needles in their wake. What I do have a problem with are those blue, red or white artificial trees. For me, an artificial blue, red, or white tree cheapens the Christmas spirit -- unlike an artificial green one.

Over-romanticizing a White Christmas: Sure, we all say we want a white Christmas, accented by mounds of white snow and knee-deep drifts -- until it's time to try and shovel your way out of your house and/or driveway. Let's be realistic. A few flurries lightly covering the ground and no shoveling needed would be perfect.

Fruitcakes: Seriously, has anyone ever actually eaten one of things? I have not, and nor will I start this year.

Christmas music 24/7: I enjoy Christmas carols and other holiday music as much as the next guy, but I think the stations that play that genre non-stop for a month or longer are testing us with some sort of mind control.

That one song: I think everyone has a particular holiday song they simply never want to hear again. Mine is Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time." At this point in my life, I simply detest that song.

Writer Jeff Vrabel may have summed up "Wonderful Christmas Time" the best.

"'Wonderful Christmas Time' is the worst of Christmas songs ... it (is also) the worst of all songs, the worst song ever written by a human, Beatle or otherwise, the worst melody, the worst synthesizer, the worst production, the worst Wings song ... the worst lyrics," Vrable once wrote.

I can't argue with any of those points.